Do you ever wonder why it’s so easy for you to see that a man or woman is terrible for someone you care about, but you’re unsure when it comes to yourself? You’re certainly not alone. Today, we will explore where that Why Am I Attracted to Bad Men and what you can do to make that a little bit easier on yourself.
Why does this happen?
Despite the several apparent clues that tell us someone is interested in us.We often question it because of nerves. Does he like me? Is he interested? This is because of something quite sad: it’s because of developmental trauma.
Everyone has been through childhood trauma. The types and severity of these traumas vary, but everyone has experienced childhood trauma.
That’s a given. So, what happens in this dynamic of “does he or doesn’t he like me” is that the part of our brain that allows us to pick up on social cues is damaged.
When you’re on the outside of a relationship like your friend’s, it’s easy to see whether a person is good or bad for them because you have no emotional investment.
But, once invested personally, it becomes almost impossible now that you have your skin in the game.
That is because as a child, our parents gave us conflicting messages. An example is a parent viewing their child as perfect and wonderful but also relying on them for their emotional well-being because of their unhealed traumas.
For instance, they might ask the child for a hug whenever they feel emotionally inadequate. Thus turning the child into an adult by making the child responsible for their well-being.
But, unfortunately, that results in an adult who constantly questions physical intimacy. is he hugging me because he likes me or needs something from me?
What is his motivation for showing me affection? What do his actions actually mean?
When someone starts to show affection that is clear as day to everyone except you, you don’t take it at face value because, as a child, you received conflicting messages.
The second we have an emotional investment in the relationship, it triggers the childhood confusing, conflicting messages. We can no longer see for ourselves what was so easy for us to see in others.
Those traumatic moments from childhood affect all of us . Those subconscious burdens our parents place on us to help them heal from their childhood traumas.
A parent placing that pressure on you creates a tremendous sense of fear.
You don’t want to continue caring for someone in the same way you were forced to care for your parents as a kid. No child should have that responsibility.
Which keeps us, adults, from wanting to invest in a similar relationship.
It means that for us to become aware of how a person feels about us, we need them to go above and beyond just to prove that they want to be with us and will not abandon us.
This puts undue stress on our potential partners because of our fear that they will become bored with us or leave us.
we need them to be wholly invested in us before we feel safe to continue with the relationship. But people want a partner who is not going to be fearful that they will leave.
How do we heal?
- The most important way to heal from this and become better judges of a love interest’s intentions is to become experts in our childhood trauma.
- Understanding why and how we act the way we do will help us become more aware of these behaviors as we move forward.
- To further your healing, gather information. Explicitly ask if someone is attracted to you. Even a question prefaced with “I know this might sound crazy” is better than just playing guessing games.
- If you’re unsure or suspect they do, there is no easier way than to ask to get the answer you need whether it’s affirmative or otherwise. It’s essential to do for you what will best create a sense of safety. Sometimes that means making yourself vulnerable and feeling scared for a moment, but the payoff is worth it.
- Neurofeedback is another way to help you heal and understand your relationships better. When we go through developmental trauma, our brain waves get distorted, which means things don’t connect properly. Neurofeedback helps us fix those connections in a way that no medication, coaching, or therapy could ever do. It’s a process that has an effect, unlike any other treatment. It needs to be at the forefront of how we treat mental and emotional disorders in psychology.
How to learn more
You can use several books to help you become an expert in your developmental trauma: my book, Your Journey to Success, to help you learn how you are repeating your trauma, and three from Pia Mellody — Facing Love Addiction, Facing Codependence, and Intimacy Factor. All of these books can be found at www.thegreatnessuniversity.com under the book section for direct links.
If you’re struggling to understand attraction or why you’re attracting the wrong people. Or if your social cues are distorted, these will help you get started on your journey to healing.
Enjoy The Journey