Why You Have the Same Fight Every Week (It's Not About the Dishes)

Why do we keep having the same fight every week? It starts over something small and ends with one of you chasing and the other shutting down, and communication techniques haven't stuck. The same fight every week is almost never about the topic. It's two childhood Worst Day Cycles™ colliding.

In this video I walk through a fight most couples know by heart: one partner goes quiet, the other asks "Did I do something?", the answer is "I'm fine," and hours later you're in separate rooms. You'll see why the one who chases and the one who shuts down are both trying to survive, and what actually stops the cycle.

I break it down through the Worst Day Cycle™ (Trauma, Fear, Shame, Denial), the Authentic Self Cycle™ (Truth, Responsibility, Healing, Forgiveness), and the six steps of the Emotional Authenticity Method™.

The Worst Day Cycle has four stages: trauma, fear, shame and denial. In a pursue-and-withdraw fight, both partners are in their own Worst Day Cycle at the same time.

The partner who chases is afraid of being abandoned. The partner who shuts down is afraid of being attacked or overwhelmed. Same fight, opposite survival strategies, and the two strategies feed each other like gears turning in opposite directions.

Communication techniques don't stick because communication skills don't work when you're in your Worst Day Cycle. You can't skill your way out of a blueprint; you can only heal your way out of it.

The pursue-and-withdraw cycle stops when each partner heals their own cycle through the Authentic Self Cycle: truth, responsibility, healing and forgiveness. If you need to pause a fight, say when you'll come back, and come back on time. Don't make your partner chase you.

For couples stuck in this cycle, Kenny's program Why We Can't Stop Hurting Each Other walks both partners through their Worst Day Cycles and the Authentic Self Cycle.

Kenny Weiss is a relationship, communication and childhood trauma recovery specialist, ICF certified coach, and author of Your Journey to Success and Your Journey to Being Yourself.

TOPICS COVERED: same fight every week, pursue and withdraw, pursuer and distancer, chase and shut down, stonewalling, communication techniques, childhood patterns, Worst Day Cycle, emotional blueprint

TIMESTAMPS

0:00 Why do we keep having the same fight?

1:14 It's not about the dishes

2:02 What is the pursue-and-withdraw cycle?

2:43 Your emotional blueprint

3:35 Why do I chase and he shuts down?

5:00 What the research shows

5:42 Two gears turning in opposite directions

7:14 The Worst Day Cycle™ in both partners

9:34 Why haven't communication techniques worked?

10:14 What actually stops the pursue-and-withdraw cycle?

12:48 The six steps of Emotional Authenticity

16:54 You are not to blame

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