How Much Communication Should There Be With An Ex?

Boundaries with an ex are not about controlling your partner's behavior — they are about defining what you are willing to accept in your own relationship. Kenny Weiss walks through his complete 6-step boundary-setting process using a real scenario where a partner's constant communication with an ex is damaging the current relationship.

Most people confuse boundaries with demands. They try to force their partner to stop talking to an ex, which is control — not a boundary. A real boundary is a fence around your own yard. It defines where you end and the other person begins. It does not dictate what your partner does. It communicates what you need, what you feel, and what you will do if those needs are not met. This is the foundation of emotional authenticity in relationships.

Kenny Weiss teaches that the inability to set boundaries with a partner is not a communication problem — it is a shame problem rooted in childhood. The Worst Day Cycle™ conditions children to believe their needs do not matter, their feelings are burdensome, and speaking up means abandonment. In adulthood, this becomes the codependent pattern of saying yes to everything, swallowing resentment, and calling it love. What Kenny calls the survival persona — whether falsely empowered (controlling) or disempowered (people-pleasing) — takes over, and the authentic self stays buried.

The 6-step boundary process Kenny teaches in this video is: (1) share what you observe, (2) name what you feel about it, (3) say what you make up about it, (4) ask for what you need, (5) celebrate their no — meaning accept their answer without punishment, and (6) have a plan for their no. This process is not about getting the other person to change. It is about radical vulnerability — letting someone see who you really are and what you actually need, then allowing them the freedom to say no. That is what real intimacy looks like.

Codependency in relationships with exes is one of the most common patterns Kenny Weiss sees in his coaching practice. When a partner maintains constant communication with an ex — texting throughout the day, using the ex as a go-between for the children, blurring the line between co-parenting and emotional partnership — it signals unresolved attachment. The person in the new relationship who tolerates this without speaking up is operating from a disempowered survival persona, abandoning themselves to avoid abandoning the relationship.

The Authentic Self Cycle™ offers the corrective path: Truth (admitting what you actually feel), Responsibility (owning your role in tolerating the pattern), Healing (tracing the inability to speak up back to its childhood origin), and Forgiveness (releasing the shame that told you your needs were too much). When you set a boundary from this place, it is not an attack — it is an act of love for yourself and for the relationship.

⏱️ TIMESTAMPS:

0:00 — The question: How much communication with an ex is healthy?

0:25 — Real scenario: Partner's ex texts constantly

1:05 — Why this pattern is codependent and damaging to everyone

1:30 — The 6-step boundary-setting process

2:05 — Step 1: Share what you observe

2:20 — Steps 2-4: Name feelings, share what you make up, ask for what you need

3:45 — Steps 5-6: Celebrate their no and have a backup plan

5:00 — Why boundaries are about vulnerability, not control

6:30 — What happens when you do not set boundaries

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