Self-confidence is an elusive process, in part because of how we, as a society, have framed what confidence is. We’ve always sold it as an achievement. But the difference lies in a human doing and a human being. A human “doing” is looking for self-confidence (usually) externally. They don’t feel they’ve achieved it unless they’ve made a certain amount of money, bought a certain car, have a certain spouse. True self-confidence is a human “being.” This means the core of who I am is sound, and I believe and feel safe in myself regardless of external “doing” things.
I thought pro sports would give me everything. I had to do a lot of work to discover self-confidence, so I’m sharing the 7 things I did and continue to do to get that human “being” sense. Let me be clear: I have days where I think I’m killing it and days I don’t. But, I always go back to these. I am perfectly imperfect, and I am confident and safe in who I am.
- Ask yourself, “what’s the smallest thing I can do at this moment.” I know this is a “doing” thing. Still, it’s important because ultimately, what gives us the most self-confidence is when we act within our morals, values, needs, wants, negotiable’s, and non-negotiable’s. When I take action on something central to my core being and don’t go against myself, I feel good about myself. I trust and believe in myself. Do something small to move you in the direction to gain the sense that you are of worth. When we don’t do these things, it’s because we don’t have confidence. Instead of looking at the full picture and being overwhelmed, break it down. Sometimes for me, it’s literally just getting out of bed or taking a shower. That at least moves me toward my authentic self.
- Find one thing you love about yourself. We all have something that, at our core, we really love. For me, I love my imperfections to be shown to me. If I am imperfect, I have an opportunity to grow and be better. The more mistakes I make, the more excited I get because I can grow.
- Learn to love the mirror. This may sound narcissistic, but virtually no one is comfortable looking in the mirror and smiling. People will shave or do their makeup in the mirror, but they aren’t even looking at themselves. They have no memory of seeing themselves. With true self-confidence, we can look in the mirror and be OK. I encourage you to start here and get comfortable seeing yourself. The mirror shows us our soul, so spend time in front of it, getting comfortable with saying, “I’m OK just as I am.”
- Learn to say no. We were all raised as kids to not say no, so we became people-pleasers and controllers. We give ourselves away because, ultimately, we don’t value ourselves. “No” is the most loving thing we can say to anyone. If we do something that goes against what we stand for, eventually, we will resent the person who asked us to do so. We’ll throw it in their face. It’s something we do to ourselves that we blame others for. Saying “no” lets us retain our value.
- See insults as a gift. I know this is a tough one, but it goes back to what I love about myself. When people critique me, it allows me to grow. I go into depth on this in my video of How to Turn Any Insult Into a Blessing – the single most important video I’ve done. If you watch any video of mine, it should be that one. An insult is a doorway to accepting ourselves fully and really building intimacy with others. This perspective changes your life forever.
- Become an expert in your imperfections and unhealed pain – this one changed my life. We all have pain in our life and from our childhood. The avoidance of pain creates more pain. For centuries we’ve been taught not to admit our pain and cover it over with false positivity. That’s not self-confidence. Self-confidence comes from the ability to look at our imperfections, face our pain, and accept all of us – every aspect. That’s why my life story is all over the internet – I admit I am a train wreck! I admit I am an expert in dysfunction, yet I have joy on my face. I make peace with it. That’s self-confidence. Make peace with your imperfections and pain, and you will have freedom. Most importantly, you will be a human being.
- Forgive yourself. The navigation of life is overwhelming, and we aren’t taught these skills and tools. In every moment of our life, we are always doing the best we can. As we know better, we can do better. We all have this experience where we know the right thing to do, but we can’t get ourselves to do it. So we end up not forgiving ourselves. But that just means we were on the journey and in the process. We knew what to do at the time, but we hadn’t turned the knowledge into a skill and the skill into a tool we can use. We are just on the journey. Eventually, we will take action on it. It was the best we could do at that moment, and that’s why we can forgive ourselves. It opens the door to accepting our imperfections (knowledge) which will allow us in the future to convert it into a skill and then a tool we can take action with.
There are the 7 tips I have for self-confidence that I use for myself and pass onto clients. I’ve seen it work and I hope it helps you. Leave your comments: what do you do for self-confidence? What’s important to you?
Enjoy The Journey!
Would you like to develop the knowledge, skills, and tools to love and accept your perfect imperfections? If so, I have designed this masterclass just for you!
Would you like to develop the knowledge, skills, and tools to love and accept your perfect imperfections? If so, I have designed this masterclass just for you!
