How To Keep Your Boundaries In 3 Simple Steps
Do you find yourself often saying, ‘They made me feel “________Fill in the blank’? In today’s Best Day Blog article and accompanying video, I will show you how to keep your boundaries in 3 simple steps so you never feel that way again.
The first thing to recognize is that no one ever makes us think, feel, do, or believe anything. Therefore, when we accuse someone of those things, we lose our internal boundary and fall into codependence. I will show you how to prevent that.
Step 1- Focus on our part.
We must get into reality. To do this, we must acknowledge one simple truth – every day, we deceive ourselves and others, and this self-deception robs us of connection and self-love. Being out of reality is one of the five core symptoms of codependence, according to expert Pia Mellody. Psychologist Jerry Jellison showed that the average person lies to themselves and others 200 times a day. Therefore, we must be brutally honest about admitting and accepting that we all lie. To start this journey, we must recognize that the initial impulse will be to lie to ourselves about this truth and say, “not me. I don’t lie.”.
To avoid that common self-deception, follow this three-step process to keep yourself in reality when someone says something to you.
1- Is any part of it true?
2- If any part of it is true, take ownership of your part, openly admit your imperfections and put a plan in place to make amends.
3- Why is it true? This step requires us to investigate how the pain from our past created this perfect imperfection. Once discovered, we can do the healing work and forgive ourselves for doing the best we could and being human.
An example from my own life happened when a viewer said that I reminded her of a car salesman with my mannerisms and way of speaking. She mentioned that it took a few different videos before she could understand my way of sharing information before she could learn to appreciate what I was saying.
A codependent response would have been to give me away and fight back. However, because I used the above process, I could accept that, at times, my mannerisms lend themselves to that perception. Therefore, I responded that I see it in myself and am always working on my delivery. Looking at step three of asking why I could be coming across like this brought me to my childhood. My grandfather was like this as well, and it was simply environment and upbringing that contributed to how I show up today.
So, whenever you receive disparaging comments, don’t defend. Instead, start with, ‘Is there something I need to own here? Where is the truth?’
Step 2 – Focus on their part – Learn about their reality.
If all or part of what they said is untrue, we switch our focus to what might be happening inside them. But unfortunately, because of their detachment from reality and self-deception, they often don’t recognize that they want us to fix their problem, which is not our responsibility.
The first step in learning about their reality is looking at their comment and how they said them. For example, did they say it with sarcasm, anger, or fear?
Sarcasm = anger
Anger = fear
Fear = sadness
At the heart of every disparaging comment we ever get in our lives, from whoever it is, whether it’s a stranger online or a close family member, is their sadness. Sarcasm, anger, and fear are all veils to hide the sadness held within. Knowing this helps to create the distance between what someone is saying about you. It creates a shift and helps to alleviate the ‘He/she made me feel like this’ because you can understand where this is coming from for them.
You can now CHOOSE how you feel about their comments! When you live by the false understanding that ‘they made me feel like this,’ you have lost your internal boundary and become codependent. You are choosing to be codependent, take on their sadness and feel how they do. Again, no one ever makes us feel anything unless we lose our internal boundaries.
At this point, you ask yourself, ‘What might be happening in their life that might make them sad?’ Remember that it might be true whenever anybody disparages you, but it is also a projection of their perfect imperfection. You can choose not to carry their sadness for them and protect your boundaries. Remember that it is not your job to heal them.
This final step in learning about their reality is to ask yourself, ‘How might these feelings be about their imperfections that they are now projecting onto me or wanting me to fix for them?’
Step 3 – Make an empowered choice- Nobody makes us feel anything unless we give them that power.
Now that you’ve looked at your and their parts, we make a decision. We have to make an empowered choice:
1- Am I going to choose to play the victim, surrender my worth and allow another person’s reality to determine who I am?
2- Am I going to choose to play the victor, love myself and them by honoring my reality and keeping my internal boundary?
I would choose number 2. Although many people choose number one to stay the child, play the victim and get the other person to be responsible for their feelings. The choice is yours. Either way, you create a boundary of sorts. It is simply up to you which boundary you choose.
1- Take advantage of my free download- How To Keep Our Boundaries In 3 Simple Steps.
2- To learn more about projection and blame-shifting, check out my Self-deception and Denial Playlist On Youttube.
3- If you are ready to do heal your pain from the past and your codependence and have rock-solid boundaries, enroll in my online class, The Complete Journey To Create Lasting love And Connection.
To Learn More, watch the video here: